“I tried to suppress my feelings for a while. Back in the 1980s, nobody really spoke about gender or sexuality. But I knew I was different. I didn’t enjoy looking at girls, with other boys. Instead, I would get attracted to boys. Once I joined IIT, my feelings got stronger but I couldn’t express myself. There were boys involved in homoeroticism who did drugs and alcohol, so I just stayed away.
Later, when I moved to the USA in 1997 for higher studies, I came across a Gay Club on campus. That was where I really got to know about the gay community.
It was where most of my realisation and introspection happened! There was a support group, but I was hesitant of people recognising me on my way there. So, during a cold winter evening, I hid behind a huge jacket to attend a meeting. Once I attended the meeting, I was sure that I felt the same way as others in the community. It was at that point I actually realised, “Oh yes! I am gay.” After a couple of weeks, I decided to come out to my parents. This was back in 1997 – the pre-internet era, and I was going to talk to my Indian parents who lived far away from me. It was going to be a challenge. I told them, “I don’t want to marry because I’m gay.” They laughed it off! But I continued to bring it up on every call. At one point, my mother asked me if I hated her and my sister because they’re women. “Of course not!”, I said. But they were still not convinced. Back in the USA, my Indian roommates didn’t take this news well either. One of the boys moved out of my room. After a few months, I had to assure him that I wasn’t going to jump on him like a prey! He moved back in, but things were still pretty uncomfortable. There was a girl on the campus who said ‘It’s so unhealthy!’ Clearly, there was no information or knowledge back in those days! I visited India for my sister’s wedding and I spoke about it again when they asked me to get married too. “Hum logon ko kaise muh dikhayenge? Kya kehenge?” is what they said!
When I moved to Idaho for my first job, I didn’t come out to my colleagues. I was a gay man of colour surrounded by white people in a new place – it was a minority within minority situation! During one of my official visits to California in 2000, I realised people were so much more open minded and welcoming there, so I shifted! That’s where I met my first partner, who was an Indian too! We were together for more than 10 years but things fell apart when differences popped up. It became worse because his family was not accepting and wanted him to marry a girl. It was difficult – I had invested time and emotions into the relationship. But I had to move on. In 2010, I moved to Boston for a new job where I met my second boyfriend. A year later, I shifted back to California with another job and he followed. However, this relationship also fell apart as he moved back to Boston for his career. I was convinced that whatever I do next, I had to be serious and stable.
By then, after 7 long years, my parents had become comfortable and supportive. They moved to live with me and I was 40! I wanted to have a child and plan my life seriously. I spoke to my mother and friends about stability in relationships, but you can’t plan falling in love, right? I was also worried if my parents would accept an American partner. Although I dated a few guys, nothing worked out. But life had planned a different story for me!
In 2016, I met this fun Asian American, Vinh, on OkCupid. We spoke for a while and soon, went on a date. He lived with his parents too and everything about him just seemed wonderful! He’s a Mathematics and English teacher- brave, straightforward and also optimistic. He knew what he wanted in his life and I loved that clarity! Six months later, in April 2017, we got engaged.
It was as romantic as it could get! I proposed to him in the middle of a flower field in California in front of my family. They agreed to the engagement but demanded a celebration! So, we decided to get married in India. It was actually my wish, but he agreed immediately.
Three weeks before the wedding, I came to India and visited all my relatives, friends and teachers from school! Everybody was so welcoming and accepting. We had a Haldi function, wedding and a lot of dancing in the reception!
Many questioned the legality of this event. According to IPC 377, gay sex and many other forms of heterosexual sex were also illegal. But there is no law to prevent a commitment ceremony. The legality of a gay marriage is unclear in Indian law – neither legal nor illegal. But there is no legal basis to prevent a Gay Hindu wedding! Many who joined us that week loved every bit of the celebration. We were happy, content and at peace. We also had a wedding in California in 2018. I waited long enough but it is so worth it! Our story is about two souls falling in love and a family that supports us. That’s what Pride is about too, right? A family of people who are different yet all the same, fighting for the same cause!”
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