Anxious Mom – Ever heard that phrase? That kicks in more on the special days like these! Mother’s day!!
Am I doing it right? Am I providing everything that is required? Am I being good? Am I raising him right? So many thoughts, but when I look back I have come a long way!
I got married when I was 23 and 3 years later I was pregnant. I was excited like any other ‘to-be-mom’ while handling the biological, physical and emotional changes happening to me. My family always thought I am a strong person, a go getter, confident person, successful in career and balance work and home well. They knew I will handle things well and I assumed I did too but it didn’t last too long! I always wanted a girl and there she was, my beautiful baby girl.
When I held her for the first time, all I was thinking was to always be there for her and would not let this stereotypical world inhibit any of her dreams. The dream didn’t last long, she was with me for just 4 days. Came in to this world happily, left me the same way in her sleep! I was shattered. I still don’t have answers neither could the doctors give me any. They termed it as SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) which happens for no reason! She was gone too soon, even before I could realise what happened. I still do not have closure for this, the questions keep haunting me why this happened? It was hard to come terms with it and the continuous thoughts of why me? Why my baby girl? Where did I go wrong? What I could’ve done differently?
A year later, I was blessed with a boy who I call ‘My Lil Man’.
Everyone suggested that I need to focus on my son and erase the memories of my daughter like a bad dream. But, is that even possible for a mother to do so? It was hard for me to convey to people that forgetting her is not an alternative. I cherish those 4 days I spent with my first-born. My lil man very well knows that he had a sister whom he couldn’t meet. And I struggle to give him an answer – why his sister in no more with us and why is she not there to play with him? Little does he know that I struggle for that answer too? I have no option but to make up a story and give him an answer. He is 5 now and lives up to his nick name I gave him ‘Lil Man’. He is so adaptive, resilient and handles the situation like a pro. Because of various reasons, I had to part my ways with my husband when my son was 1.5 years. It’s difficult, it’s tiring. People commented on it and had their own versions/reasons of my decision. The challenges I faced were masked underneath the perceptions. The worst feeling is when they look down upon you and they still do. I struggled, went in to depression, took therapy for hours and hours and still take them. They helped a bit but I still have my hard times. But I know I have to keep going, keep going for my lil man and myself. I don’t see any other option but to put up a brave face and be there for him and myself.
He shares a great bond with his dad & has his share of time with him. When it comes to my lil man, my ex and I are a team!
I often ask myself will this struggle ever end. Well the answer is ‘I don’t know’ but I know I have to keep going. I always dreamt of a having a normal life but God had different plans. I am someone who believes in love but life had other plans. Will I ever get what I want, I don’t know! Right now, I just want peace and contentment in my life. The social setup that I grew up in judges single moms harshly. I want to shout my heart out – Stop throwing more challenges at me!! Why is it hard for people to be empathetic? But I also know these aspects shouldn’t affect me and in a way they made me a head strong person that I am today!
I have come a long way and I know I have lot more to achieve. Motherhood taught me to be resilient, an unknown strength and of all – KEEP GOING & KEEP HUSTLING! I know there are lot of mothers out there going through different phases of life and difficulties. Hang in there, you will get through it and I also feel this is continuous process and there is no way to escape but face it. Through this I urge the people, society or whoever reading this, BE EMPATHETIC. You never know what the other person is going through. If you can’t add any value in that person’s life atleast do not create more issues. Spread Love, be generous – everyone is fighting their own battle in their own ways!”