“Back in 2003, I started my own company. Most people don’t realize the kind of strain running a business puts on you. After 6 years of smooth sailing, we hit some massive speed bumps that sent us spiralling down. Slowly but steadily, I rebuilt the business and started a new company in 2011. However, the constant stress started building up, gnawing at me without my knowledge.
It was in 2019 that the boat really flipped over. The business had hit a very bad patch, being someone who always bottled up my emotions, I never shared or spoke to anyone about my problems. What followed was a highly intense mental breakdown. In hindsight, maybe that was my biggest mistake. When you hold things inside so much, you are bound to break at some point. I couldn’t eat, sleep or work. I had entirely lost my ability to cope with life, all I could think about was ending it.
In search of answers, I went to see a psychologist. That first session ended up stretching for three hours. She told me I had experienced intense mental trauma because of the ignored stress over the last ten years, which reached a breaking point finally. ‘Post Traumatic Stress Leading to Suicidal Depression’ is what her note read. My mind simply refused to function.
The worst part was that my daughter had no idea what was going on with me. She was just 13, and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t laugh anymore or want to play with her. I still remember one instance when I had to leave to work, and I defeatedly asked her if she could pack my bag for me. She couldn’t understand how a fully grown man, who seemed physically normal, was incapable of doing a small task like packing a bag. But that’s the thing with depression- a small task can feel close to impossible. People find it difficult to treat the brain like any other organ in the body, and so did I, until I had to go through it myself.
This was when I realized I needed to own up to my illness to receive any sort of understanding. I called up everybody around me who had noticed my change in behavior – my friends, colleagues, employees, and told them what had happened. To my surprise, I got supportive responses. I realized that communication was the key to receiving compassion; if I wasn’t honest, how could I expect to be treated accordingly?
However, stories don’t have happy endings that easy. On August 8th 2019, I had made up my mind to take my own life. So sitting here in my cabin, I wrote letters to my mother, wife, daughter, and sister and left them in a folder right here. I decided to meet my family for the last time, and finish myself the following morning. When I got home, my daughter came running up to me, insisting that I get up and play with her. At that moment, something clicked in my head, and made me realize how much I would miss out on, and how much she would miss out on without a father.
The next morning, I came to the office and ripped up every single one of the letters. It was on this day that I decided to stop having unrealistic expectations of recovery, and take each day at a time. Every morning, I would promise myself to get home safe after work, and every night, I’d promise to wake up the next morning. I began walking from my home in Attapur to the office in Himayat Nagar because I was broke, but I began to look forward to these walks. I began to eat better, exercise more, meditate, and read spiritual and self-help books. It involved a lot of self-introspection and analysis of the past, but that’s what it took for me to be able to control my emotions, rather than the other way around.
Now, apart from rebuilding business the 3rd time around, I am also working on an initiative to address mental health problems in students and entrepreneurs. Mental health is largely neglected in our country, it’s no wonder we have one of the highest percentages of people suffering from mental health issues. We need to take care of ourselves, and I am looking forward to work towards helping others do what took me so many years to do. Learn how to take one day at a time.”
#MentalHealth #Society #Resilience #PostTraumaticStress #Depression #Daughterslove #MentalHealthAwareness #Family #Support #Business #Loss #Impact #COVID19 #Suicide #People #Youth #Hyderabad #HumansofHyderabad
#MentalHealth #Society #Resilience #PostTraumaticStress #Depression #Daughterslove #MentalHealthAwareness #Family #Support #Business #Loss #Impact #COVID19 #Suicide #People #Youth #Hyderabad #HumansofHyderabad