“Although I had a lot of queer representation around me, I was always expected to be masculine. I saw my grandfather perform many stage acts where he was dressed as a feminine character. During Durga Puja, men would also tie a saree while sporting a beard! When I started to realise that I wasn’t sure of my gender, I only knew man, woman and ‘hijra’, the last one being an offensive term. I was confused. I didn’t know what I was going through. I wanted to be feminine but at the same time, I couldn’t. I didn’t have anybody to discuss it with because of the stigma. I used to get bullied for not playing sports in school. But I enjoyed staying indoors and indulging in arts.
I recognised myself as cis gender gay and only started exploring my gender with drag. I now identify as genderqueer non-binary, which means I feel like I have both feminine and masculine energy. I don’t want to fall under binary terms where I have to be either one. I also considered surgery but one question stopped me: Who am I doing this for? If I’m happy the way I am, then why should I change? Drag helped me get the right answers. I’m so happy I started doing it. It was in 2015 when I first came to know about drag in the USA. Three years later, I met Swarna, a friend and a part of the South Asian LGBTQ organization. She asked me if I could model for her shoots for the parties she hosted for the queer community. I loved the idea and agreed immediately!
It was then that I saw myself on the big screen and felt super confident. It was liberating – nothing short of an achievement.
In June that year, I wore a Lehenga for the Capital Parade. My drag authenticity comes from the queer representation that I had growing up. My grandfather had been doing it without even knowing what it was. Whatever I am doing right now is what I saw growing up, which makes me happy. I had the access and privilege to be in the United States and do what I’m doing.
However, drag has also brought me hate. While it really makes me happy, I also get nervous that I could get bullied any time. The hate is always there. But I didn’t give up. I have continued to follow my passion because the only person who can decide what I want to do is me!
When I come back home to Hyderabad, I have friends from the drag community that I love meeting. A few years ago, there was hardly any platform here, but now, it’s so wonderful to see people come together for a cause. Home to me means my family, who I came out to just recently. It’s taking a toll on my mental health because there’s a lot of explanation and lack of awareness that needs to be addressed. We’re still talking and I’m trying to help them understand. These are important yet challenging steps in my life as a queer person.
But I understand that people need time to process it. No matter what, there’s a family out there who support your identity. We’re here for you – for each other!”
Picture Courtesy: Dougsanfordphotographs, Abdullah Sayedpridemonth2020
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