“I was always considered ‘weird’. Always considered as someone who never fit into the norms of people and society as a whole. Being an introvert additionally didn’t really help the situation. That was when the insecurities kicked in and anxiety had its claws dug pretty deep into me. I would worry the entire night about having to show up the next day to college that I ended up getting pretty bad dark circles. So, I’d wake up looking awful, feeling awful which inturn made me believe that I was awful. I was never the one to go out and play, so instead, I’d watch YouTube videos. The first YouTuber I really noticed was Jeffree Star. He is different and proud of it. Then came James Charles and so on. That was when make-up came into my life. I wasn’t allowed to use makeup when I was young. It was at the age of fifteen when I got my first eyeshadow palette. I eventually got so dependent on it that I wouldn’t even go to a shop nearby without a full face, zero flaws make-up. Because in my head it was always, ‘No one wants to see my face without make-up’. Dare I say that it was my facade, a temporary fix to just feel better. It was around this time that I started to notice my lack of intimacy of any kind with another person. I was able to term myself as ‘asexual’ when I accidentally stumbled upon a post about it. That was it for me. I was convinced that there was something wrong with me as a person for being the way I am. I indulged in make-up to conceal my anxiety, insecurities and every single thing that I thought was wrong about me. But soon, I realised that I cannot hide behind it forever, that hiding behind it is not solving the problem. I then went for a make-up detox where I went for a year without any make-up on. It was difficult. Really difficult. Because in my head, my face was flawed, I was flawed, although that was never really true.
I have a love-hate relationship with make-up. It is my vice. Now, make-up is my therapy. I don’t think there is a better therapy than that for me out there. Everytime I feel anxious, sad or anything that I know I shouldn’t be feeling, instead of friends, I turn to my brushes, eye shadows, lipsticks and foundation to express and vent out in the form of art. My skin is my canvas. Sure, it might be a rough one, but it is still a canvas. I’ve learnt to realise that what I have is something special, not everyone can do it and so, I’ve decided to take it up professionally. It wasn’t easy to tell my parents about the unconventional path I’ve decided to take, but I did.
Love yourself is all I am going to say. I often tell myself this, ‘The world might say that you’re crazy for being yourself but if you can do this, then maybe you’re not that crazy. And if you are crazy and you can do this, then being crazy isn’t all that bad after all.’”
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