“My mom and dad were divorced because my father was having a relationship with another woman. According to the court, I was supposed to stay with my mother and that is what I did.
I moved from Chennai to Vijayawada after my 10th grade to take care of my grandparents. My grandfather was a paralysis patient and my grandmother was too old to take care of everything by herself. So, mum and I moved to Vijayawada and it didn’t take long before things started going south.
My mother was in depression and was addicted to sleeping pills. I still remember this one day which scarred me for life. She wanted sleeping pills and I denied her of them because they were killing her. She started abusing me with words at first, and soon, started to beat me as well. I understood her anger but I had to protect myself. In an attempt to do that, I slapped her by mistake and she fell to the floor. She got up, ripped her clothes and started screaming at the top of her lungs saying that I am raping her, molesting her. I yelled at her to stop saying such things but she wouldn’t stop and continued to yell about how I wanted to kill her. The neighbours showed up, started lashing out on me when they saw my mother bloody and in torn clothes. They even threatened to call the police. I called my grandmother and told her what had happened, and she came home rushing from wherever she was and handled the situation. At that moment, I felt broken.
A couple of years later, my grandfather passed away. Life started moving on, my mother started to get better and I think it is fair to say that life was good. We had Orkut back then and I met a guy on it. He spoke to me with affection and care, something I lacked in my life then. We soon started dating. I had never felt so loved. Things were great for the first 6 months until he got a job and had to move to Hyderabad. I was possessive because I didn’t want to lose him. But nonetheless, he assured me that everything will be okay and he moved. It took less than 4 months before I started to get calls from friends who told me that he was dating other men. We would fight every day. After one big fight, he ended things. I told him that I would destroy myself and I stopped going to college and refused to write my final exams. He called me after a week and told me to go write my exams and then come back to him and I did. But the cycle repeated and while we were arguing over the phone one day, my mother heard the entire conversation and that was when I came out to her.
She gave me two options, one was that I listen to them and go to Bangalore and study or the other was that I leave this house and go live with my then-boyfriend. I told this to him and he said that if I really loved him, then I should leave everything and move to Hyderabad. So, I left my house on good terms and soon showed up at his 1bhk apartment. I was excited but little did I know what life had in store for me.”
I started looking for jobs and would come home to see my man with another. This one time where I couldn’t take it anymore, we ended up having a huge riff. He threw me out of the house into the pouring rain, with not a single penny in my pocket. The police were patrolling the streets and were arresting anyone they saw. So to save myself, I went and hid inside a trash can for 3-4 hours. The next day he put me in a hostel and paid a week’s rent. I got a job the same week. My hostel was right opposite his house and it was heart wrenching to see him with other men everyday. Eventually I started to move on a little by little, when he called me and said that he wants me back and that he made a mistake. I thought that this was my chance.
6 months into it, the cycle started to repeat worse than before. This time during our fight, he hit me so hard that I needed to get stitches. I got into substance abuse, including drinking and smoking soon after. He would make me do things that no one should ever have to. To prove my love, he asked me to touch my nose to his feet, he asked me to do something extreme so I burnt his name into my hand with a cigarette and at one point he even asked me to drink the water from his used finger bowl.
One day, his best friend showed up at his place and I was the only one in the house. I was barely conscious because I had induced myself with psychoactive drugs, liquor and was also on sleeping pills. He spoke to me nicely and eventually coaxed me to drink more and when I denied he continued to insist. That was the last thing I remember. The next day, I woke up to messages of my ex boyfriend. The messages were videos and photographs of last night where his best friend and I apparently had slept together. That was the end of our relationship and the end of my life.
I wanted to die. Slitting my wrists, overdosing on sleeping pills, drinking bathroom cleaners didn’t work. So, I decided to starve myself and continue with substance abuse. After a point, I didn’t have money to buy the drugs and liquor. I started selling my body for money. This went for a year. I lost 35kgs because all that money I got usually went into substances. On one such night, I was very hungry and had only 10rs in hand. I needed 15 more for a plate of idli. I wasn’t getting clients because I had lost weight. I was standing there when a labourer walked up to me and said he will give me 10rs if I sleep with him and I did. It was disgusting, all of it. I realised in that moment how I’ve destroyed myself. My grandmother called me then and said that she needs me to come back.
I decided to get my life together but it was painful. I had withdrawal symptoms. I would tie my hands with metal wires to stop it from shaking and multiple other things. It was then that I met Sandeepan and Anil, who guided and counselled me through the process. I would cry to them everyday and slowly but painfully, I made it through.
Today, I work in s MNC, Sandeepan, Anil and I, we started the Moobera Foundation and I also counsel people. My ex boyfriend taught me how selfish a human can be, and how a human can use you, how they can destroy you and I want to thank him for that. Because it was a lesson and today, I know who I truly am.”
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