“I was extremely rude, mean and manipulative and I would do this in the guise of being realistic. I was always trying to take revenge on the world because everyone I knew failed me. The world failed me.

My memories from when I was young, are faded. Because, as I was growing up I did a lot of substance abuse to cope with my mental issues which no one knew about. I’d never tell my parents because it always seemed like they had a lot on their plate and I didn’t want to add to it. Dad was never around much, so it was always me and mum against the world. Loving my father is like loving a stranger to me. Even today, he is still a stranger and I have an unconscious hatred towards him. So, my mom was my foundation, my core, my everything. I always saw them drinking their life away, one bottle at a time. School was never great because everyone hated me. I think it’s because of this that I rebelled against everything. I always tried to be the center of attention consciously or unconsciously. Maybe because that’s what I lacked my entire life. I just wanted to feel loved, once. I went to a school therapist to talk and she’d say I was doing great. Only later I find out that she would mock my emotions, my problems in front of the entire staff. That was when I decided to shut down everything I ever felt. My mum and I moved to Mangalore from Saudi and I was ready for the new beginnings because I thought that this time, things would be different. Oh, how wrong I was! The last straw was pulled when my mother passed away. It was almost as if she was telling me that the bottle in the hand was more important than me. So much so, that she decided to take the bottle with her when she left the world, instead of me. I got back into substance abuse after her death and this time it was worse. I’d pass out in strange places, wake up in strange places, talk to people whose faces I don’t even remember now. I’ve been clean for years now but it isn’t helping. It’s just my dog that holds me back from putting an end to this life of mine. Suicide is not for the coward you see. It’s when everything fails, that is your last resort.

I want to promote kindness, compassion and passion. Unfortunately, you need to preach what you follow. But, I am yet to practice happiness. That has been my quest for the last three years. It is to find what that word actually means. I am a misfit but I am not a commodity or a brand because in today’s world, that’s what mental illnesses have become. It is not an accessory. When did someone’s pain become an aesthetic? When did someone’s suffering become cool?
For everyone out there, I just want to say that I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be someone’s interesting blog, I don’t want to be someone’s poem, I don’t want to be an accessory. I just want to be me.”

#Kindness #Compassion #Memories #Past #SubstanceAbuse #MentalHealth #Family #Support #Life #NewBeginnings #Happiness #Discover #BeYou #Hyderabad #HumansofHyderabad