When I was 5, my parents used to receive complaints from teachers that I was not paying attention even though the teacher tried to guide me. My parents noticed that I could have a problem so I was taken to an ENT specialist for hearing and speech therapy. I have had moderate hearing loss. My parents invested a lot of time by taking me to different cities for ENT check-ups and the doctor suggested to me that I could wear hearing aids.

As a kid, I wouldn’t be able to handle so I got my hearing aids when I was 15. but I stopped wearing them as I was getting ear pain and headache. I managed to go to school without hearing aids. I had good friends who supported me. Surviving without hearing aids was better back then but during my bachelor studies, I couldn’t study well. I had difficulty in understanding. Once during my lab exam, my professor shouted at me in front of whole class and was rude for not being attentive. I returned my question paper out of anger and left the lab. I didn’t want to stay there and I went home crying. I called my father while he was in office. He told me to calm down and he said he would take care of it. Due to my inability to understand things properly, I even had backlogs of 40 papers during my engineering. However, I strengthened myself and was determined to clear the backlogs which I did successfully within 4 years. I felt extremely relieved.

When I was 23, my parents purchased me the best-rated hearing aids which cost 3 lakhs (around 3000 pounds) for each pair. It was the best feeling ever I had. I didn’t have a headache. I was able to hear clearly. My sister gifted me an iPhone which is compatible with my hearing aids. It had a Bluetooth option. My family wanted me to have the best life, ready to send me abroad for higher studies. A lot of relatives asked my parents if they were sure about sending me abroad. They asked my father this question “How will your daughter manage alone? Why can’t she study in India for her Master’s?” My father replied “I want her to see the world. Let her go. Let her learn. I will support her.”

My mother studied for Ph.D. and always wanted me to focus on a career she never stopped me from going abroad for higher studies. I had to prepare for the IELTS exam to go abroad. I got less score in the hearing band. So, I had to write IELTS again. I got the same score in the hearing band. My parents wanted me to try once again. So, I had written the IELTS exam 8 times and there was no change. I lost hope. I told my parents that I am not good enough so I will stay at home and look for a job in India. My parents took me to a consultant and I got admission to Media Design School in Auckland. I applied for a visa and booked accommodation. A few weeks later, the consultant got an email saying that immigration didn’t accept my visa due to my IELTS hearing band score. So, if I got a better score within two days, I would get a visa immediately. My parents asked me once again if I want to write the IELTS exam immediately. I replied, “No, I am tired. No matter how many times I prepare for the exam, my English can improve but not my hearing”.

One day, I casually applied for an MA course at Kingston University and I got accepted. My parents took me to a consultant to apply for a visa and I got the visa within 15 working days. I was so excited to move to another country. I flew to London and stayed with my cousin for a while till I moved to my house accommodation with my roommates.

My roommates were really nice to me but I was never comfortable with group meetings as I wouldn’t be able to hear every word clearly. I used to pretend to listen to them and laugh along with them when they used to crack jokes. I was always comfortable with a single person as it would be easy to have a conversation and read lips without any disturbance.

I’ve always wanted to meet a lot of people who come from different cultural backgrounds. It was really awkward when I asked my friends “what” three times and I still had no idea what the person just said so I just had to nod and agreed with them. I have done this so many times that they might have already misunderstood a lot of things about me. I didn’t want to trouble anyone to repeat it for me. I cannot always depend on friends like how I always depended on my family. I used to attend university alone most of the time. I didn’t want to disturb anyone even though I had so many questions on my mind. I had shifted nine times during my master’s course for a change. I met a lot of interesting people. I had good and bad memories. During my second semester, I went into depression. I lived alone for a while. I did not know how to cook for myself. My mother always told me to learn cooking before I left India. I should have listened to her. I had to buy frozen foods or eat fruits. Sometimes I would skip meals.I cried myself to sleep every night hoping for better days. I missed my family so much that I wanted to book flight tickets and go back to India.

I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t want to cry in front in front of my family every day as they would worry more about me. I lost hope. I got sleep paralysis and it has become a daily routine for me. I was scared to live alone. I had so much stress. I have always doubted myself. I thought I was worthless and there was no point in living. I wanted to kill myself but only one thing was on my mind. I thought of my mom, dad, sister, relatives, and friends. Why should I think of ending my life when I have such a beautiful family? I wanted to stay positive only for them. I missed them so much. One day, I called my dad and said “I cannot stay here anymore. It’s so painful to live far away from family. I cannot hear properly. I cannot speak properly. I speak loudly. I irritate everyone. I cannot do this anymore. I want to come back to India.” He asked me to come back to India if I was not happy. I was ready to go back. But then I had to change my mind. I didn’t want to waste money. I didn’t have any plans to work even after going back to India. I had to stay strong and wake up early and put coffee for myself.

I stayed back and studied alone. I did five part-time jobs. I worked on my short film about hearing loss. People would make fun of me and the way I speak. I was not sure if that really happened but someone or the other person used to tell me what others spoke of me and I believed them. I was afraid to interact with people and used to read their lips. But I had a few friends who asked me to move in with them. Some of my friends never made me feel that I was abnormal. I had good times. By the end of the course, everyone had to move out for some reason.

Every international student has to move out someday for better opportunities. I get emotionally attached to people. Losing them was really painful. Life has to go on. I felt lonely. I went on a solo trip from London to Scotland by bus. I didn’t wear hearing aids while traveling. I wanted to enjoy myself alone and listen to music. I carried my camera with a tripod and I placed it in different beautiful places so that I could shoot my dance videos. I have a Youtube channel and Instagram where I post my dance videos. I always enjoyed listening to music by wearing earphones with loud music. Dancing alone made me happy. I’ve been enjoying dance for the last ten years.

My sister is my inspiration. She was a dance instructor in Hyderabad and now she’s settled in USA. I found passion by watching her dance since my childhood days. I’ve been having a good time dancing in London and Scotland. I was fond of animals and birds too. I had a wonderful time out there. I completed my master’s course. I felt free and motivated. I had embraced my challenges and they introduced me to my true strength. I never thought I would be able to move to another country to explore opportunities. I am so grateful for what I have. This day wouldn’t have been possible without my hearing aids. My family sacrificed so much for my happiness. They are my greatest strength. Thanks to my family, relatives, friends, flatmates and colleagues for showing some love. To all the people out there, if you are ever feeling lonely or suicidal, please do not give up. No matter how you feel, you don’t deserve to cry. Please reach out to me if you are depressed. IT IS OKAY TO ASK ANYONE FOR HELP.