“I’ve always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I remember taking care of my little brother like he was my baby. For the longest time, my answer to ‘What would you want to be when you grow up’, was, ‘I want to be a homemaker with 2 kids’.
Little did I know, the toll it would take on me. I am married to the man of my dreams and 1 year into our marriage, we decided to start a family. Within 6 months of trying I knew something wasn’t right. I decided to meet with a gynecologist who then referred me to a fertility doctor. BAM! I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve, basically Primary Unexplained Infertility, at the age of 32.
After visiting a dozen fertility doctors who point blank told me I can never get pregnant with my own eggs and that I needed to go for donor eggs, I finally met a doctor who gave me a ray of hope. We started the IVF treatment in Jan 2020. After days of multiple injections, crazy hormone drugs that took a toll on my mental being, and after the dreaded 2 week wait, I had my first failed IVF with one pink line on the stick. Surprisingly, I was strong the first time, while my husband broke down. I was strong only because I knew I had one more, a final chance with my frozen eggs.
We decided to go for round 2 of IVF in March, this time I was feeling positive. I was glad for the lockdown because it gave me enough time at home to rest and not exert too much. The 2 week wait went by smoothly. 29th March at around 2:30pm we decided to check with the home pregnancy kit. Those 2 dark lines changed my life forever. Ofcourse, my husband was happy too but it took a while to sink in. Little did I know my happiness was short lived. By mid April I started to bleed. I was 7 weeks pregnant when I went for my first ultrasound scan to check the heartbeat.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t see the fetus, but only retained products of conception”. I can’t seem to put into words what I felt at that moment. I couldn’t breath. I walked straight to my husband and broke down. That moment will forever remain etched in my heart and mind. I lost my appetite, I would randomly start crying, I was upset and miserable. I would lay in bed the whole time.
I developed complications in my uterus and had to undergo an procedure which was quite eventful again. It’s been a few months now and I’m doing alright. I must admit, my body healed beautifully.
It’s a scary place to be in and I see life and the world passing me by while I’m still here without my baby. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Sure, my days are filled with joy and love because of my family and I try my best to be present for them. But the truth is, I lost a part of me when I lost my angel baby. I am taking all the time to get comfortable with who I am now and accept my situation, but I will always wonder who ‘you’ would have been.”
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